Anger is just unexpressed communication – Stacey Huish

We all know what anger is, and we've all felt it at some point in our lives: Anger is an emotional state that may range from small annoyances or minor irritations to fully-fledged intense rage.

Anger, a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion, if left unattended can get out of control and turn destructive. This out of control, destructive anger can lead to problems—problems at work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion.

Anger only becomes a problem when it creates trouble for you with other people, your work, your health, day-to-day living or the law. Anger is also a problem when other people around you are frightened, hurt or feel they cannot talk to you or disagree with you in case you become angry.

Anger can be caused by anything at all. External events such as being angry at someone in your life -a loved one, a co-worker or a friend- or a situation like a traffic jam, a cancelled flight or the computer breaking down just as you need to use it.

Internal Events such as worrying about anything that is upsetting you or remembering a traumatic time can also trigger angry feelings inside of you and cause you to be angry.

Some of the signs that anger is a problem are.
• Anger generally involves verbal, emotional, physical or psychological abuse.
• You feel angry most of the time.
• People close to you are worried about your anger.
• People are scared or frightened to be around you.
• Your being angry is causing you to use Threats to get what you want
• Anger is leading to problems with personal relationships and work.
• You think you have to get angry to get what you want.
• Anger seems to be more intense than the event that set it off.
• Anger lasts for a long time, and well after the triggering event has passed.
• Anger is affecting other situations not related to the original event.
• You are becoming anxious or depressed about your anger.
• You are using alcohol or other drugs to try to manage your anger.
• You are getting angry with the people who are closest to you, or with people who are less powerful than you, rather than dealing with the situation that sparked off your anger in the first place.

People from all over the world will tell you there are many strategies for you to use - to keep your anger at bay and to control your angry temper.

These same people will tell you to
• Just calm down
• Relax
• Take a deep breath
• Count to 10
• Meditate
• Do some yoga
• Think of something positive
• Visualise

Have you ever used some of these techniques when you are feeling angry at someone or when you feel angry about something? Do they work? Let me put it to you this way, you are in a situation where you are feeling angry right now and you think to your self – oh hang on a minute, I will just take a deep breath, relax calm down, count to ten and think of something positive – that will help me to stop feeling angry.

They may of worked for a short while, and yes you feel less angry for a little while, HOWEVER! NONE of these things has actually addressed the problem at all. All they have done is get you to avoid dealing with your feelings and avoid dealing with the very thing that is making you angry. After you have done all of these things, you still feel angry, you are still angry at the person or the situation that made you angry in the first place.

All of these things are great for when you are not feeling angry BUT, when you are feeling angry you need to express how you feel in a way that is appropriate. This means you tell the other person how you are feeling and what is making you so angry in a way that does not hurt them physically or emotionally.

The best way to express your anger without hurting anyone, is through the use of an I Message.

A lot of the time, full blown, intense, raging anger can be prevented simply by expressing all of your annoyances, frustrations, hurts and embarrassments as they happen.

Anger can be compared to a volcano.

The top hole in the volcano is where all of the built up anger comes out. Usually in full blown rage. And if you have seen any pictures of volcano’s then you will have seen that there are all these side vents. These side vents is where the lava runs out when pressure is building up inside the volcano. And just like us, when we have our own annoyances, frustrations, fears, hurts, rejections, resentments, embarrassments, pressures, and powerlessness if they are not released through one of the side vents then they get blocked and then we explode, we become so angry that our own volcano erupts.

When these feelings aren’t expressed, the force which was behind those feelings doesn’t go away. It builds up and builds up and builds up and builds up and finally explodes out the top. Some one who is constantly angry needs to re-open the other vents so more appropriate feelings can be expressed. This is what I messages do.

By expressing some of your feelings of anger in a controlled way, rather than bottling them up, gives you an opportunity to release some of your underlying feelings, so that you can start to tackle the issues that are making you angry.

To have more impact in terms of getting change, it is useful to notice that the word anger tells you that there is force to the feelings, but it does not tell you so much about what the feeling is.

Harriet Goldhor Lerner, in her book “The Dance of Anger” says that while feeling angry alerts us to the fact that we own a problem, and gives us the energy to do something, it does not in itself explain what the problem is. This is why Lernor suggests that , rather then giving vent to anger, we need to feel it and discover what the problems that cause it are. Recognising the feelings which produce the anger signal means you can send even clearer, more concrete I Messages.

Eg. Let’s say you have arrived late for your meeting. The boss sends you and I message: ‘I feel really angry when you arrive so late.’ The message tells you about the force of their feeling, but it doesn’t actually tell you what they feel.

Compare it with an I message explaining ‘I feel really worried about whether I’m going to get through all the material when we start so late’ or ‘I’m getting very frustrated with having to stop and start so often’. It’s easier to want to help someone who is worried or frustrated then someone who is angry because (a) you know more about what’s causing their problem, (b) you can hear the feelings as inside them rather than ‘about you’ .

A parent who has trouble with their kids running around the supermarket while shopping will get a better response by explaining ‘I feel embarrassed about the people staring at me’, rather than ‘I feel angry that you are running around’

Please remember, you will never be able to eliminate anger altogether —and frankly it wouldn't be a good idea if you could. In general everyday life, things will happen that will cause you anger; and sometimes it will be justifiable anger. Life will be filled with frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others. You can't change that; but you can change the way you let such events affect you. Controlling your angry responses can keep them from making you even more unhappy in the long run.